Book Notes: The Power Of A Positive No By William Ury

Book Notes: The Power of a Positive No by William Ury

• He’s capitalizing the “N” in every instance of “No”. Small thing, but just a couple of pages in, it’s already becoming mantra like. I like it.

“Like all good Nos, ours were in service of a higher Yes…” pg. 2

“As long time British Prime Minister Tony Blair put it, “The art of leadership is not saying Yes, it’s saying No.” Pg. 4

Love that quote. </>

• I’m barely past the introduction, but I’m already imagining how I’m going to start viewing the personal value of saying “No”. Some of the smartest people I know are more interested in learning than they are in appearing to know everything. They’ll plainly state “I’m sorry I’m not familiar with that.” or “I don’t what that is, could you please explain more.”, which accomplishes two goals.

Firstly, they actually learn about new things instead of trying to piece things together with context clues (which they’re perfectly capable of doing). Secondly, when they do chime in, I assume that they actually know what they’re talking about and have done research on a subject.

Their lack of fear and concern about asking questions gives greater credence to their comments elsewhere.

I’m already thinking about “No’s” in the same terms. If you say no when you can’t or don’t want to, it gives greater value to the times you say “yes”.

“At the heard of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship.” pg. 10

“Everyone important yes requires a thousand No’s” Pg .19

“…every creative yes begins with an internal No to the status quo.” pg. 20

“We derive our no from what we are against–the others demand or behavior. A positive no calls for us to do the exact opposite and base our no in what we are for…Root your No in a deeper Yes–a Yes to your core interests and what truly matters.” pg. 27

• In this section of the book, Ury is talking a lot about taking time out to dig into our reactions to things that immediately emotionally illicit a “No” reaction, including tactics that can be employed to remove yourself from the situation. Taking a time out to make sure that you’re seeing the difference between positions and interests.

“Your intention is not something you you invent, but rather something you crystalize from you interests, needs, and values.” pg. 43

“To be prepared is half the victory - Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra” pg. 53

That reminds me of another favorite expression: ‘Those who sweat most during times of peace bleed least during times of war.’</>

“The great irony is that the more you need the other to do what you want, the more power you give them over you and the less power you have to influence the situation.” pg. 56

“The challenge then in saying No is to express the “need”––the interest, desire, or concern––without the neediness” pg. 57

B.A.T.N.A (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement)

•This section of the book is focusing heavily on having a “Plan B”. However, there are lots of clarifying points about what constitutes a good Plan B. He makes the point that “Plan B is sometimes confused with a fallback option”, but also points out that…

“Plan B is not an option for agreement at all but rather an alternative to agreement, a course of action you could pursue independent of the other’s agreement.”

The benefits of a Plan B are to make sure that you’ve fully explored the issue you’re trying to resolve, and to give yourself the knowledge and confidence that you’ve explored the possible options before presenting a no. Additionally, the confidence of being able to approach a dilemma knowing what you will do should you not be able to reach agreeable terms. He continues…

“Plan B is not so much power over the other as it is power to meet your own interests. That is what makes it positive power.”

I’ve heard from folks that the trick to successfully navigating a deal (the specific context was in regard to buying a car) is being willing to walk away. </>

• Around page 98 he talks about taking away the other parties stick, should they present a stick (metaphorically) as a part of their attempt to be negotiated with. If you can anticipate and remove or nullify their stick, you remove their ability to use it as leverage over you.

“Never take a person’s dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.” - Frank Barron pg. 75

“Respect for the other flows directly from respect for self. You give respect to the other not so much because of who they are but because of who you are. Respect is an expression of yourself and your values.” pg. 81

Well damn. </>

• Ury also talks about listening to understand, which is a concept that I’ve heard and learned about from a seminar and training that I went to.

Reading in progress…